The thought of
making a decision to stay or leave the U.S. bothers me more and more these days
as I made the hard decision to come here 8 years ago. It occurs to me that
there is no perfect place where I can rest my heart forever. To balance the pros
and cons of living in America or Taiwan, such as family support and education, is
such an exhausting thing to do.
The call from
hometown has become stronger, especially since my husband’s passing. The family’s
support and love have an incredible power to draw me back to the old track. I
miss them very much and would love to be with them again like before; the
laughing, singing, yelling, and the warmth of hugging seem to be so close and real.
The memory is still clear in my mind that my mom was like an angel protecting and
taking care of me while I had a major surgery 20 years ago. She was standby me 24
hours a day for a whole month in the hospital, as if she was afraid that
someone might steal me away from her. I could feel her love from my heart deeply
although she is not good at expressing her feelings. I do appreciate her very
much and wish to stay with my parents offering them a hand when they need. Yet,
in a way, the pressure from my family irritates me a lot, as their high desire
of me being good and successful suffocates me. On the other hand, half of me tends
to stick to the current circumstances which I have been used to in the past 8
years. I fell in love with this multicultural furnace since I came here. I have
made some good friends who were very helpful when I needed to take care of my
husband while he was sick over the years. They supported me as a family role. Yet,
I have noticed and realized that the relationship with American fellows is not
as strong as with my family and they won’t be the same. I like the living environment
here which provides a fresh, convenient, and free space and is full of challenges,
even though the loneliness and homesickness kick me now and then.
In Taiwan, I
have to pass the entrance examination for college/university education which I
failed 25 years ago (at that time, the acceptance rate was about 5%). There is
only little chance for me to complete college degree, so what it would mean to
me for doing this now? There are not many study resources off schools I can use
to improve my knowledge or enrich my life. Without a good education background,
it has added more difficulties on me to find a decent job at my age of 44 due
to our cultural trend. The advantage I can think of is the language because I have
no worries about the language barrier and communication wouldn’t be the
obstacle while I am studying or working. In contrast, it is much more convenient
and free for me to get further education, especially college education, in
America. Lots of schools provide various resources and plenty state-of-the-art
equipment to assist students for their studies. I will have more opportunities
to develop my interests and explore my potentials; as a result, it will also
bring me more positive views on my career building. Meanwhile, I can imagine
the challenges of learning in the second language I will face; the pressure of
misunderstandings among communication due to the cultural issues, and that might
be the factor causing me the hesitation of the idea to stay in the U.S. But the
thought comes to me often that America is the wonderland where I could create
and enjoy a better life although I still have to overcome the big problem with
language barrier.
Sometimes, I
feel like a lost sheep drifting around the forest, moving nowhere, as my mind
is struggling with such a complicated problem. Furthermore, I feel guilty for
not being around my parents to take care of them at their old age; however, I
need to be a little selfish to pursue my own future. I think I can’t deny that
it’s difficult to kill two birds with one stone.
By Yuki, 06/11/2009
To G.: We all need to make a decision eventually; among the choices, just picking the one which will make you happier, as it's shown in the movie "Book Club". Love to see happy endings. ^_^
